Motorcycles Driving Us Apart. What Do You Think?
Married for six years with a two year old son and a 4 month old son. While pregnant with number two my hubby out of the blue starts jonesing for a bike (friend bought one). Looking at magazines even buying expensive (jordan) jacket months before he got the bike.
After lots of arguing (we have small kids etc) he decides he wants the bike even if I don’t want to be with him anymore. Due to small kids I decided to stay and see what happens. He then withdrew K from his 401K to buy a bike (GSXR 1K).
He WRECKS the bike and totals it within THREE WEEKS. I was 7.5 months pregnant and had to nurse him with broken leg, knee surgery and hand surgery. Cost 3K in uninsured medical expenses and vehicle co-payments. All this while still caring for our 2 year old (and I work full time in demanding professional job).
He was very contrite and crying swore never to ride again apologize for putting me through very scary and difficult time while pregnant.
Now he has had 8 months to heal and talking about buying Ducati 999 (I guess from his 401K again). I feel like his priorities suck and don’t feel in love with him anymore. He is 35 and did take the MSF course prior to the first wreck.
I’m not nagging him now, nor did I before. I just stated my opinion. Now I am just silent, but I feel done with someone who is so inconsiderate.
For the record, we do lots of other things, Snowboarding, Kayaking, Sailing, Bought him 3 days at the racetrack (racing car driving), we both play tennis and basketball and go on lots of adventure vacations – snorkeling, scuba diving etc.
I just feel like he wants to look and feel cool and does not care about the mental and emotional cost to his family if something happens. 
BTW he has also had two car accidents. Both time rear-ending someone (once with me in the car – he accelerated at a green light without waiting for the other cars to go first!) and he plays video games every night (sigh)……
Everyword of this is true. So sad for me. My boys (especially the two year old) adore Papa and I would love to be able to keep family together. He has refused therapy before so probably no chance of that. I’m just at the point that my blood boils when I see him shopping on craigslist for bikes and everynight watching motorcycles races on TV. We don’t even watch TV together anymore because it seems this is all he wants to do – no thrill like it. And yes the majority of his friends are single – two with bikes. I am the breadwinner – so he does not have to worry about "supporting" us, but his child will be devastated if something happens to his dad – I could not even contemplate consciously risking that with his record! His first wreck he accelerated into a curb. Nurse at the hospital told me he was completely drenched in gasoline and very lucky no fire occured. If I try to discuss it just would start a fight. Anyway he should be embarrassed to be such a bad rider but he is not.
Before I read Bungholi’s answer I thought I had the best answer, he was first.
The idiots your husband, make him pay the life and health Insurance and max out his 401K contributions.
You pretty much answered it yourself. If you don’t love him anymore don’t settle. Maybe spending his money on child support will make him grow up. Now don’t get me wrong. I live in LA w/ a 2 year old son and my wife won’t let me get a motorcycle. I don’t blame her. The drivers out here are idiots. Instead we compromised and I got a dirt bike and go desert riding. It’s a lot safer than the streets and just as fun. I also ride extremely careful because I know when she was pregnant I would never put her in the position to take care of me and our baby. Not fair for her. We’re in talks of #2 and I’m considering selling it. From a mans point, if he can’t respect you and his family, then it’s time to move on.
Sorry that’s he’s already checked out. Good luck in your decisions.
I think you’re married to an idiot, but that’s just me. I had a heart attack & a double bypass two months after buying a new Softail. But I’m single
You should just realize that what makes him happy you need to learn to love too. I’ll let you in omn a little secret, everybody crashes their first bike, some worse than others. After that they kinda smarten up, they don’t take those corners at 50MPH anymore! I would however tell him that it’s your 401k too, since your married! Tell him if he can afford one out of pocket then go for it. I would also make him get a cruizer not a crotch rocket. Cruzers are safer, not like a death on wheels as on a rocket.
He sounds like he’s trying to be 18 again.
I also dont understand if he’s a new rider, why he’s going out and buying a 1000cc bike, or a Ducati.
That to me says hes doing it to show off, and not to just enjoy it.
If thats more important to him than you and your small kids, I really dont think I’d WANT him around.
I think you’ve already made up your mind and now you just want someone to agree with you so you can rationalize heading for divorce court.I understand your concerns though.I ride and have rode while raising 3 kids so i’m not really a unbiased source of advice.All i can say is that if your not happy then move on.Life is too short to be miserable(and you sound miserable about it).If you decide to stick it out tell him the only way you agree to another bike is if he takes out a million dollar insurance policy to provide security for you and your kids.Good luck whatever you decide.
The worst thing that you could do is leave him and split your family up. Do not be quiet. Do not stop making him feel stupid about crashing. If he wants a bike make him save up for it. That’s what I did. It takes time, but it is worth it. Don’t give up on your family.
Gee, let’s count up the mistakes this guy has made (so far);
1-this is the WRONG time of his life to be doing this–do it before kids, or after they’re done with college;
2-didn’t listen to/respect his spouse;
3-succumbed to peer pressure (or something like it) and bought a bike meant for skilled riders only;
4-paid for a toy the wrong way–if you want a toy, save up for it;
5-didn’t respect the capabilities of the bike (something like a jet fighter) and crashed the darned thing;
6-hasn’t learned from 1,2,3,4,5 (so far);
7-wants to buy another bike, even more unforgiving (and expensive to service and repair) than the first.
By the way, the MSF instructors always advise students to start off with smaller bikes of modest power. Wasn’t he listening?
You MARRIED this idiot???
Oops!
With luck, he may be mature enough for life (real, not video), marriage and kids before the end of this century–after all there are 89 years and 2 months left, and miracles have happened in the past.
When I see a high-school-age kid playing video games, I think,"Wow, hope he grows up soon! How can his parents let him waste his life like that?"
BTW, a person’s driving record in a car gives a good indication of what kind of m/c rider they will be, and how "eventful" their riding career will be. This has been proven statistically.
Tell him if he has to get a cycle- it has to be a Harley Panhead hardtail restored- not chopped- with tank shifter. This will give him ‘image’, but not the high speed danger. Bike will be expensive as others but won’t depreciate. After couple runs and you polish it he’ll be afraid of getting it dirty to prevent you from hitting him on helmeted head with frying pan- if he drops it you take off his helmet and then use frying pan.. Few year later you can sell it for more than originally paid and use the money for kids college. Sort of teasing — but a old Harley, Indian or BMW will be relatively safe and no peer pressure to race, old crocks like me will tolerate him and let him sit a rally fires if he maintains it. You’ll get to polish bike and check prices, keep frying pan handy to threaten him if he mess’s up your polishing, not be hassled by squids and police usually leave you alone. Get insurance policy is also good idea. As for video games?- refer back to use of frying pan.
This is a sob-sister story.
Your old-man is an A-hole.
I don’t advise on subjects I have no frigging idea how to correct!
This is an interesting topic & I can totally understand where you’re coming from.
I am assuming that the Gixxer 1K was his first bike. If so, that was a huge mistake from the get go. I’m 42, own a 2008 1K & have been on bikes for over 25 years. I know very well that this bike or any liter bike including the 999 can crap in your lunch box before you can even process a thought to say "oh $%*&". He should have picked up something used, cheap & less powerful.
Taking money from the 401K is mistake #2 & I am sure that you know of the tax penalties. Just not a good thing.
I am married with no kids & I’m obviously in a different situation. I do track days, agressive canyon riding & I am out on the road at least once a week weather permitting. My wife understands that this is and has been a passion of mine & I feel very fortunate. I reduce the risks as much as possble wearing full leathers etc… & I don’t ride like an idiot.
I have crashed on the street two times & it is likely that it will happen again. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? It is just reality. Some people are lucky & make it through life unscathed. Some break a few ribs, collar bones, hands & then they bounce back, but even some of the best riders are gone just like that. Riding is a huge outlet for me & it is difficult to imagine going without it.
If I were in a situation where I had two youngsters to support for years to come, I don’t think that I would be tearin it up out there & I would be with them quite a bit. Too many things can happen when kids are involved & it’s obvoiusly a recipe for marital disaster. I would still have a bike but my riding style would be toned down quite a bit.
There is a risk with everything that we do & one can get messed up just as bad snowboarding. It is a matter of taking calculated risks though. You’re not going to go Banzai off of the biggest ski jump right? I don’t know the details of your hubby’s crash but something tells me that he got in over his head & fortunately he lived to tell about it.
I really hope that he will zoom out & look at the big picture, man up & save your marriage. I don’t get the video games thing. I have never been into that sort of thing so I don’t have any advice to offer
I hope the best for you!
I don’t really think this has anything to do with motorcycling.
This has everything to do with your relationship with your husband. You both do an awful lot of stuff that costs a great deal of money. Sounds like you have been feeding his Jones all along and he hasn’t been taking his family responsibilities seriously – ever.
He’s a kid with grown up responsibilities and needs to be a grown up period.
You need to get into family counseling and take him with you. If he won’t go, go yourself. You need some help to sort out this stuff before you do something to drastically change your life.
On the motorcycle, put your foot down. This isn’t the time to buy another motorcycle – doesn’t mean that can’t happen in the future, but not now. Be clear that his marriage is on the line and he will buy nothing until your relationship is on an even footing again and everyone’s priorities are sorted out. Oh, and don’t get pregnant again right now.
I usually answer these kind of questions in the motorcycle section by directing the misguided soul to the family and relationships section informing them that Dr. Phil doesn’t live here. I’m making a rare exception. The other answer’s who said you married an idiot are…well…spot on! A liter bike bike for a beginner and now a duck. You’ve been pretty good if yer tellin’ it straight. Hes bein’ a fool and not a man. Yer family come first and all I can say is that if he hasn’t had that lesson slamed home by now he’s never gonna learn it. Never! Honey you have plans to make and if you don’t make them soon you’ll be makin’ funeral plans later. Just sayin’.
I’m sorry to hear about the situation.Him getting married at 29 one would assume his childhood was in the past.But as men grow older especially when they are married and hang out with single friends,the have a tendency to feel as though they are missing out on something while being "tied down". As the other posts have stated I think you have already figured it out-he needs to snap out of his funk and come back to reality and realize what his family means to him. Talk to him and tell him how you feel about the whole situation,don’t be silent about it–that is why the divorce rate is so high people just don’t talk anymore they just hold it in until they are finally fed up with the whole thing. The best advice that anyone could give you is this"see with your eyes and not your heart-your heart will bleed but you eyes will see"
It sounds like someone needs to grow up, and I don’t mean you. I’m willing to bet he rides a motorcycle like he drives a car, with his head up his a–.
you should prob get a bike and make him ride bitch because this guy cant even drive a car! and then look at the bright side you get to drive and wear the shirt that says if you can read this my bitch fell off