How Is This for a Begining?
"the bow of the ship dove down deeply into the tropical water. The blue water splashed upon the deck."
what does this make you think of and would it sell?
continueing-" ..it was chaotic. the crew tried to control the ship but the fierce winds were too much. The captian retreated to his chambers along with a select few."
gosh its a stinkin adventure story guys!!!
about a boy named fleet ir has pirates in it and stuff…jeeze!
Thanks for the opions. And i will try to learn more as i grow. (im only 13)
Im sorry the first to sentences sucked but i guess i should have put more on there so you guys would have gotten the whole effect. and i messed up on "Dove down deeply." it was supposed to e "dove down deep." like that makes a difference anyway.
sorry for the lame question. at least you guys got some points out of it:)
~Juli~
That sound pretty attention grabbing. Its really good and descriptive.
would it sell? lol you didnt wright enough
Change "dove down deeply". It’s a tongue-twister! Cut deeply, sliced deeply, anything else.
The (insert metaphore) blue water. Compare it to something blue. The velvet blue water? The sapphire blue water?
It makes me think of aboat at sea, that’s all there is to it, really.
T_T
I think I’ve read something like it before.
And no. It’s not attention grabbing or anything.
If that was the first sentence in a book, I’d put the book down and never pick it up again.
For me, no, there is nothing compelling about that start.
Nothing is those two sentences makes me think, "Wow, I wonder what happens next?"
"The blue water splashed upon the deck" sounds off. Water is not blue, especially if it is on the deck.
Edit:
Julianna, you wrote; "gosh its a stinkin adventure story guys!!!
about a boy named fleet ir has pirates in it and stuff…jeeze!"
Hon, YOU are the one who wrote those first two sentences and asked our opinions.
Even if YOU knew it was a ‘stinkin’ adventure story, no one else does.
Your job as a writer would be to make people want to keep reading from the very first sentence.
You didn’t do that. BUT you can always learn by what people say and edit your story so that it is more attention grabbing.
Sentences don’t sell for much. Tell us what the story is about.